“I can’t stand it when he just walks away from me in the middle of an argument.” My client Clarissa, an outgoing 42-year-old music executive, was still seething with anger as she recounted a big fight she and her husband Daniel had the night before our couples session.
Daniel, an introverted 39-year-old investment banker, sat beside her, trying to explain. “I just can’t take it when we argue like that. When we get to that point, you’re not even listening to me anymore. You’re just talking at me”
“But it’s so rude. Sometimes, you walk away when I’m mid-sentence. Then I’m forced to chase after you.” Clarissa was on the verge of tears. “Because if I don’t chase you, like some desperate crazy woman, I know we’ll never finish what we’re talking about.
I had a solution I felt confident would not only help bring down the temperature of their arguments, but also reduce the number of emotional conflicts Clarissa and Daniel were having.
“What if I told you that you’re both sort of right,” I interjected before things could get more heated. “Research has found that it’s actually good to take a break during an argument, as long as you both agree to return at a set time – when you’re both calm – to finish what you’re talking about. It’s one of the best conflict resolution strategies”
Taking a break during a heated argument can actually be beneficial. In fact, this concept, grounded in decades of research, offers couples a way to maintain respect and affection toward each other despite having disagreements.
Research on Relationship Dynamics
Studies have shown that the way couples argue can predict the success or failure of their relationships. Couples who stop before things get out of control and take a break during a big fight are more likely to manage their disputes constructively, find a solution and resolve the conflict.
Breaks help us calm down in order to process our thoughts and emotions independently, which can lead to more understanding and less adversarial interactions when the conversation resumes.
The Importance of Taking Breaks
When we get into a disagreement with someone we love, our passionate point-of-view can often lead to what researchers identified as “emotional flooding,” a critical physiological aspect of relationship conflict which is often linked to increased heart rate.
During intense arguments, individuals may experience an increase in heart rate that surpasses 100 beats per minute, a condition that can trigger the body’s fight-or-flight response.
Research highlights that during these heated moments, our body’s physiological responses trigger our urge to run away to stay safe or fight even harder. Either response can cloud our better judgment. This is that unfortunate moment during a disagreement when we might say something mean or hurtful that we later quickly regret.
When you or your partner is in this heightened physiological state, it impairs your ability to process information and respond rationally, making constructive communication difficult.
Emotional flooding can lead to a shutdown in communication or a reactive escalation of the conflict, neither of which contributes to resolving the underlying issues.
How do we avoid this? Taking a break before either partner gets fully flooded allows couples to step back, reduce their physiological arousal, and return to the discussion with a clearer mind and calmer emotions.
It’s important to recognize the warning signs of flooding early and take breaks to allow heart rates to return to normal, thereby facilitating calmer and more effective dialogue.
Practical Tips on When and How to Take a Break
Recognizing when to take a break is crucial. Signs may include:
- Feelings of overwhelming anger, frustration, or growing sadness.
- You’ve gone from speaking in a regular voice to yelling at each other.
- Physical responses like shaking or crying are a big red flag.
- Or simply the realization that the discussion is going nowhere.
It’s important to introduce the idea of a break to your partner respectfully and constructively — not as a way to escape the argument but as a means to enhance dialogue.
Saying something like, “I think I need a few minutes to cool down,” or “Let’s pause for twenty minutes and come back to this when we’re calmer,” can be helpful.
Sometimes one member of the couple is reluctant to take a break because they fear that their partner will not return to continue talking. They suspect it may just be a way to end the whole conversation.
That’s why it’s crucial that you both agree on a specific time to circle back, and continue talking to try to resolve the situation.
And – you must agree to return to the topic you’re discussing within 24 hours.
What to Do During a Break
What you do during a break is as important as deciding to take one. Activities that promote calmness and reflection such as walking, meditating, or listening to music are a great place to start.
Try to take a deep breath and let it all go. If you keep thinking about what you were arguing about, you run the risk of making yourself madder and madder. You could return to the conversation even more worked up and agitated in an even more flooded state.
Avoid ruminating over the details of the argument so you can return to your partner in a better state of mind.
As you calm down, take some time to look at the issue from your partner’s perspective and reflect on what you love about them. This can transform your emotional state and help you approach difficult conversations with a cooperative rather than combative mindset.
Reconnecting After a Break
Resuming the conversation post-break should be done with care. Begin by acknowledging each other’s feelings and expressing a willingness to understand and address the concerns discussed.
It might be beneficial to start with statements with something like, “I’ve thought about what you said and…” This sets a tone of mutual respect and willingness to find a solution.
Common Misconceptions About Taking Breaks
A common misconception is that taking a break is really a sneaky way to just avoiding the problem. On the contrary, structured breaks are a strategic approach to dealing with conflict that allows for healthier engagements when you return to the subject at an agreed upon time.
Another myth is that breaks prolong arguments. While they might extend the duration of the conflict resolution process, they often make the conversation more productive, helping to solve the problem, and preventing the issue from frequently recurring.
Conclusion
As a therapist, I give my clients permission to take a break if an argument is getting too heated.
This is a practical tool for couples seeking to enhance their relationship’s health and longevity. By allowing time for emotional and physiological regulation, a pause in the conversation can transform potentially harmful conflicts into opportunities for growth and understanding.
And the more you practice this technique, you may start to catch yourself before you become emotionally flooded. This can help you train yourself to remain calmer for a longer period of time.
You may even begin to notice that you and your partner have fewer fights.
Implementing this practice might not only resolve couples’ disagreements more effectively but also improve the overall quality of the relationship. We all want to find strong conflict resolution strategies
Remember, it’s not just about finding immediate solutions but fostering an environment where both partners feel heard, respected, and loved.
*Clients names and descriptions have been changed to protect their identity
About Author and Psychotherapist Lisa Dalesandro
Lisa helps couples struggling with communication issues get their relationships back on track. She is a solution-focused, strengths-based therapist who sees clients online in California.
