Wait… Am I Codependent? Has Someone Else’s Problem Become Your Problem?

Here are 5 Signs You Might Be. And 6 Ways to Work on It.

Remember that old saying about the road to hell? No one understands the misplaced concept of good intentions more than a codependent person. 

• “She only had two drinks, maybe three, but so did everyone else.” 
• “What kind of parent kicks their kid out of the house?” 
• “I gave him money because he swore this bet was a sure thing, and after that, he’d stop gambling.”

If any of those sound familiar, keep reading.

Codependency is defined as a dysfunctional pattern of behavior whereby individuals excessively focus on and care for others, often to the detriment of their own well-being, while enabling the unhealthy or self-destructive behavior of the person they love. 

People with codependency often seek excessive validation from others. They also have difficulty setting boundaries and struggle with a strong fear of abandonment that leads to unhealthy and imbalanced relationships.

In simple language, codependency is when someone is so focused on making somebody else happy, that they forget about themselves, can’t say no, don’t set rules, and are really scared of being alone. It’s like a lopsided friendship where one person does too much for somebody who’s making bad choices. 

The term “codependency” has been around since the 1940s when the addiction/recovery treatment community coined the term for patterns of behavior and enabling that often occurred in families dealing with alcoholism. It was often used to describe the wives of alcoholics. 

In 1986, Melody Beattie wrote the book “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” which played a significant role in bringing the concept to a broader audience. The book, a best-seller for over 35-years, was recently updated with a chapter dealing with trauma and anxiety.

But sometimes it feels like suddenly everyone is describing any difficult relationship as “codependent?” 

Over the years, the term “codependency” has been widely used and, at times, overused or misapplied in everyday language, self-help literature, and pop culture. It’s often misused to describe any garden variety relationship issue or problem.

Perhaps because codependency is not an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the primary diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals, it contributes to its more casual use. When so casually flung around, the term “codependent” may be used in a pejorative, labeling, judgmental way, that can stigmatize individuals experiencing relationship difficulties.

How do you know if you’re suffering from codependency? Here are some common signs:

1. Excessive Caretaking: Codependents tend to prioritize the needs and wants of others over their own needs to an unhealthy degree. They go to great lengths to make others happy, often at the expense of their own well-being. They may also enable destructive behaviors in others, such as addiction or unhealthy relationships.
2. Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Codependents often have a hard time saying no or setting boundaries with others. They may fear rejection or conflict and, as a result, allow others to take advantage of them. Codependents may have trouble identifying and expressing their own feelings. They may suppress their emotions, particularly if they feel those emotions might upset or displease others.
3. Low Self-Esteem: People with codependency issues often have a poor self-image and may rely on others for their self-worth. They seek validation and approval from others to feel good about themselves.
4. People-Pleasing: Codependents tend to be people-pleasers, always seeking to make others happy, even if it means sacrificing their own needs and desires. They may have an excessive need for approval and fear of criticism.
5. Fear of Abandonment: Codependents often have a strong fear of being abandoned or rejected by others. This fear can drive them to engage in behaviors to avoid abandonment at all costs. Codependents tend to base their self-esteem and identity on their relationships with others, often to an unhealthy degree. They may feel lost or incomplete when they are not in a relationship.

It’s important to note that codependency can vary in intensity and may not manifest each and every one of these signs in every individual. 

Conquering codependency is a challenging but achievable process that requires effort and support.

Here are some steps and strategies to help you overcome codependency:

1. Self-Awareness: The first step is recognizing and acknowledging that you have codependent tendencies. Self-awareness is crucial for initiating change.
2. Educate Yourself: Learn about codependency. Understanding the underlying causes, behaviors, and consequences of codependency can help you make sense of your own experiences and motivations.
3. Therapy: Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in codependency and relationships. Therapy can provide you with the guidance and tools to address codependent patterns and work on healthier relationship dynamics.
4. Set Boundaries: Practice setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in your relationships. This involves learning to say no when necessary, communicating your needs, and respecting the boundaries of others.
5. Build Self-Esteem: Work on building your own self-esteem and self-worth independently of external validation. Understand that your value is not solely determined by how others perceive you.
6. Identify and Express Your Emotions: Learn to identify and express your emotions in a healthy way. Journaling, art, or talking to a trusted friend can help you process and express your feelings.

Remember that conquering codependency is a personal journey, and progress may be gradual. It’s important to be patient with yourself and stay committed to making healthier choices in your relationships and in your own life. Therapy, in particular, can be a valuable resource for addressing codependency and working toward positive change.

If you or someone you know is dealing with relationship issues or behavior patterns that you believe might be codependent, seek the guidance of a qualified therapist or counselor. They can provide a more accurate assessment and guidance on addressing specific concerns in a supportive and constructive manner.

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I am currently accepting new clients in California for in-person and online therapy.

Please visit www.lisadalesandro.com for more information.